nothingtoberegretted

I was on my way in a public transportation toward my friend’s house and it was a pretty long journey to let me talk to myself in my mind.

It is funny to remember different achievements I ever set as my goal which each of them has their own time to appear in the past periodically while I am growing up. I ever decided to be consistent in one goal but time let me plan to have another one. I don’t know whether it is me who is not patient enough to wait or it is just my effort to make a back up plan. 

I conclude my short-term plan in three variables; A, B, and C. About 2 years ago, I set A as my priority whereas B and C will follow later. I just graduated from university at that time so I was still full of spirit to achieve A. But I failed because I lacked of preparation. Then I took B and set it as my priority whereas A was set as my long-term plan because it was not that hurry to achieve, probably I could do it after I got C. It lasted for a year. I tried to be focus, but still no good result. Maybe I have to make a new plan, more collaborated one. So recently, I back to achieve A while I am still working on B but still wish to keep C working on it’s right time. This is because I think I still enough time to achieve A. I have no idea whether it is A or B as the back up plan. They are like a parallel line for me. C is not a back up plan. This C is like a main plan of all but has it’s own right time to achieve. And because of this C I feel a little bit hurry to achieve A and B. 

Well, it seems I have a more complicated life but I want to try it first to avoid my self regret it someday. I am curious, then I try so that I get the result. It is much better than do nothing, there is no result. As long as I still have enough time to try, I’ll try.

Life is about uncertainty, well that is okay as long as you have God to rely on. Trusting God to lead your way makes you feel wholehearted to face any result. Yes I am a spiritual person, I fully trust God’s decision as long as I do my best and keep praying. I believe for every result I get is the best way God want me to have.

Dear God, Dear Mother, Dear Father, Dear Future Husband, Dear Future Children, Dear Human-being and earth,

I’ll do my best!

I read several blogs talking about what person think about marriage. Last time I read one about marriage and it made me want to write something here.

What I ever heard about marriage?

Marriage is signing a contract to the other gender to live together forever. The details are: holding a wedding ceremony, having children, raising children, having grandchildren, finally being apart from your whole family by death. Okay, there must be so many details that I didn’t write, so many. Ignore it.

What is marriage for me? (actually I will just make a detail of the sentences above)

Marriage for me is talking about having a solid team that has the same vision and faithfully collaborate to work it out together. I have many dreams and I will need someone to accompany me to dream together and also make dream together as a team, one vision, work it well together, forever. Probably I can do it alone, but I think by doing it together with someone I trust must be better. It is an easier way to face the future - by having a team. So, marriage is my need.

Marriage is one of my main dream which I am sure it has it’s own right time. What I feel now is not the right time for me to be married. Ask me why. There are several reasons including my parents, my sister, my self, and environment. Let just say that universe doesn’t want me to be married yet. LOL. Of course some people in my age have been married, probably because universe wanted them to be married soon. I remember one of my senior in my office ever told me: you will suddenly sure this is the right time for you to get married when everything in this universe feels so easy to make it happen. That is the time when universe want you to be married.

Now I just feel I need to do another plan first before the universe want me to get married. Let say that I have to prepare everything to have an ideal marriage life. I have to prepare my self! prepare to be an incredible wife and incredible mother. (Hey where are you incredible husband?)

What I dream about him?

I have specific dream about him. LOL. I dream to have someone who is open minded to all things I think are important related to: God, parents, children, people, and earth.

I dream about him who can lead me to get closer to God, who understand Islam more than myself, who can be Imam for my family. I dream to have someone I can discuss Islam with, anytime, to persuade me to do things like Islam wants me to do, etc.

I dream about him who give me freedom to take care of my beloved parents as I respect his responsibility as a son to take care of his parents. 

I dream about him who who has ideal ideas about life; understand whether it is right and wrong based on religion and social values, and is able to raise other members (children) with the same vision.

I dream about him who is helpful, modest to anyone without any social hierarchy, understand that there are so many people need our help to be survived

I dream about him who is very grateful for the beauty of earth and understand to love it as the place we belong to be.

Some people say ‘do not be so picky, there wont be someone who want to be with you’. Well for me there is nothing wrong to have dreams, everything will depends on God’s way. I pray for good things, everyone must want to get good things. That’s why God let human pray.

I will not know whether someone have everything I dream above till I live for a long time with him. Those dreams are what I want him to be, a wife’s hope. Hehe. I am sure I will know he is the right one with the faith I have. Yes, when you can’t rely on your brain to think, you can rely on your heart to feel.

What I have to do now?

Keep praying to God. I pray to meet the right person at the right time.

I want God to be involved from the beginning of my story. I want to be consistent on what I promise to my self; I do not want to redo the same mistake by choosing person based on my superficial consideration.

Yes, I am picky. World teaches me to be careful. :)

Kadang, sibuk itu jadi pilihan (utk menghindari kamu)

Kadang, marah itu jadi pilihan ketika kata-kata tidak bermakna apa-apa. Marah pada hal yang membahayakan (mu), bukan utk diriku sendiri.

Kadang, tidak peduli itu jadi pilihan ketika peduli dirasakan terlalu mengikat (mu). Aku hanya ingin menjagamu.

Kadang, jauh itu jadi pilihan ketika dekat (dengan kamu) menghasilkan perih yang luar biasa. Perihku karena itu perih buatmu juga.

Kadang, sibuk itu jadi pilihan ketika tidak menemukan lowong bahagia seperti yang dulu kita temukan bersama.

Sibuk, marah, tidak peduli, dan jauh, itu hanya tamengku, pelarianku (darimu) untuk tidak marah (lagi).

Keberatanmu, tak mau ku tahu. Ku harus menjagamu. Sebelum ‘hari’ mu. Sebelum dia yang seharusnya lebih berhak untuk itu. Tempat ku menitipmu.

Mungkin, karena sayangku (padamu) sudah terlalu besar. Padahal baru saja kemarin kita bertemu, berkenalan.

Doa terbaikku untukmu.

Sekarang kita hanya bisa menghitung mundur, menuju hari dimana semuanya untukmu menjadi berbeda.

Selamat menuju hidup yang baru, temanku.

I can’t remember you in my beginning 4 years age. Besides, you were always with me all day and night.

I only remember a few things about you towards my 10 years age. In fact, we were often together in late day and night.

I remember many random things about you towards my 18 years age whereas we only met at early-morning and late-night.

I remember large number of things about you towards my 23 years age although we only met a couple of days, twice a year…

It is far from you made me realize so many good things about you, and I miss them all..

It is to be independent made me realize how hard you planned, worked, and prayed to make your children’s dream come true, and I am very thankful for that..

It is not me now without your prayer, although I am not yet good enough to fulfill my need moreover to fulfill your need, but there are so many things you’d done to be thankful before, countless and blessed.

It is you who always remind me to get closer and closer to God. It is you where I always ask for advice. It is you who will never intend to plunge me. It is you someone I dream to be, it is you Mom.

You are my best mentor, you are my best friend.

You are so incredible just the way you are.

There are so many best wishes for you I can’t tell. There are a lot of plans I want you to feel. All I want to do just to make you happy, Insya Allah. 

Happy birthday, Mom.

It is about 23 years old people, still thinking about what they will be in several years later. What they think the most is about two big things in their life now; career and marriage. I know it because those topics are what my friend and I talked about whenever we have spare time to chat to each other (beside talking about our hobby or other unimportant things that made us laugh like crazy people). Why we often talk especially about career, yea it is the same like you ask high school student why they keep talking about their boyfriend. 

I understand in this age we are confusing about what job we will be fit in. We had been graduated a year ago and try to be independent to feed ourself. Yes we are still look for the better work to do. Some of us are still looking for a chance to study abroad, yes of course to upgrade their skill in their career later on. For me, it is all about how to be settle in one job as soon as possible. Why? There are several considerations including my beloved parents, my self, sister and brother, people who need my help, my friends, and my future family.

I know my dream keep growing and sometimes it just changed. One of my last year dream is not the same with what I dream this year although it is still about the same topic; career. But another dream still keep growing to be more specific; it is about marriage. Hey it is important to detail your dream because it makes you know what you really want (and do the best while praying for it).

to be continued..

Apa salah kalau gw mengungkapkan apa yang sedang gw rasakan secara gamblang dengan kata-kata dan mimik muka. Kalau gw boleh memilih,Gw juga mau menjadi karakter yang lemah lembut. Ngga punya dendam dan selalu memaafkan. Kalau gw boleh memilih,Gw juga ingin jadi pribadi yang menyenangkan dan selalu membawa damai. Tapi ngga selamanya gw harus mikirin perasaan orang lain tapi menghancurkan perasaan gw sendiri

Kutipan di atas saya ambil dari blog seorang sahabat (yang ditulis setahun lalu). Let say that we are a very different character (But we get along so well). Kalau saja kalimat-kalimat tersebut berasal dari saya mungkin hasilnya adalah opposite dari kalimat-kalimat di atas. :p

Saya memang bukan orang yang bisa selalu mengatakan sesuatu secara gamblang. Kalau bs milih, saya jg mau milih jd karakter yg spontan to let others know what I feel. Spontanitas yg jg bs membuat orang-orang terhibur dgn humor-humor konyol saya. Saya berharap bisa lebih sering berucap “tidak” dan tak selalu menciptakan damai. Kenapa saya cenderung utk memilih mengorbankan perasaan saya sendiri demi kedamaian umat manusia?

Mengutip dari kalimat seorang teman yang lain, “ There’s no point to be envious about other people’s life. You just don’t know that some people will envy you for some things they don’t get.”

Yes. Every people has something due to their own path of life. Perbedaan karakter antara satu orang dan yang lain membuat adanya kecenderungan untuk meletakkan positif dan negatif menjadi hal yang tidak bisa dinilai secara objektif. Semuanya menjadi subjektif. Mungkin ini hanya berbicara mengenai porsi. Kita hanya perlu tahu takaran dalam adonan untuk menghasilkan kue terenak sedunia (halagh). 

I also dream to be someone else when I got my self down for something I couldn’t do. Tapi semakin ke sini membuat saya semakin yakin bahwa semua orang juga memikirkan hal itu. Hal ini membuat saya harus terus mensyukuri apapun yang sudah saya dapatkan / bisa saya lakukan. Just make it positive to do some other positive things.

Lagi-lagi mengeluarkan kalimat “ini hanya masih proses mengenal diri sendiri”. Yes. Never ending process. I have to stop dreaming to be someone else, itu hanya akan membuat saya menjadi orang tanpa identitas. There’s nothing wrong being plegmatis, Fasta. Saya sudah jadi saya koq. :)

Hari ini saya dikejutkan dengan satu kabar mengejutkan!

 Saya menerima sms dari suatu nomor sore ini. “A*njr*it!” adalah kata pertama yang saya keluarkan setelah selesai membaca berita tersebut. Hahahahaa. Bukan kabar buruk koq, malah kabar yang sangat menggembirakan. Teman seangkatan saya saat kuliah mengirimkan sms bahwa ia akan melangsungkan lamaran minggu depan. Wow, sungguh kabar yang sangat menggembirakan! Lalu mengapa respon saya mengumpat ya? :p

Setelah saya pikir2, saya mengumpat karena saya kaget (halagh). Sungguh respon yang sangat buruk. Baiklah, saya akan mulai mengubah kebiasaan buruk itu. Tapi bukan itu inti dari tulisan ini. Adrenalin saya langsung meningkat sesaat setelah membaca nama dari pasangan tersebut. Kaki saya langsung berlari ke lantai 3 kantor saya untuk menghampiri seorang teman dan berbagi adrenalin. Yah si teman tidak sekaget saya. Lalu mengapa saya begitu kaget? Respon yang berlebihan. Heran.

Well. Let’s say that hal pertama yang membuat saya berespon berlebihan mungkin karena teman saya itu jauh lebih muda dari saya secara usia. Di kalangan teman seangkatan, saya adalah golongan ‘tua’ sedangkan si teman adalah golongan ‘muda’ secara usia. NGIK. Bukan itu inti dari tulisan ini. Hal kedua mungkin karena saya adalah orang yang mudah terpicu oleh lingkungan sehingga kejadian membaca sms tadi membuat saya ter-toyor. Saya tersentak karena menemukan suatu pikiran (si teman) yang berbeda pemikiran dengan saya.

Ada apa dengan saya yang tua dan dia yang muda? Saya tidak sedang membicarakan bahwa yang lebih tua harus lebih duluan menikah (kecuali dalam hubungan kakak-adik pasti ada pertimbangan sendiri). Saya (dan semua orang) memiliki rencana sendiri. Generally, saya memikirkan yang ‘begituan’ mungkin dalam beberapa waktu ke depan. Let’s say that it means ‘bukan sekarang atau bukan dekat-dekat ini’. Lalu tadi saya menemukan si teman ternyata sudah memutuskan (mungkin sudah dari jauh hari merencanakan) untuk mengakhiri masa lajang. Well. Let me say, beruntungnya dikau nak. Dengan umur yang begitu segar sudah menjadi sarjana dan insya Allah akan segera berkeluarga. Saya bukan iri. Well. Mungkin sedikit iri, hehe. Rewind to year 2009, dalam suatu survey lapangan untuk tugas AR4000. Pasangannya menemaninya, pada saat itu saya pun begitu. Sejujurnya mereka sudah mulai berkomitmen jauh sebelum itu, saya pun begitu. Back to 2011, pasangannya pun kini telah melamarnya, orang yang sama dengan saat itu. Saya? hahahahaha.

Dua kali mencicipi komitmen membuat saya bisa menyimpulkan bahwa saya bukan tipe ‘coba aja deh’. Let’s say that kalo gue komit ya gue komit. Tapi bukan berarti menentang istilah ‘ternyata bukan jodoh’. Saya berasa tidak mau lagi dipermainkan dunia. Sangat menyesali akhir yang bodoh seperti yang baru saja terjadi. No more ‘coba aja deh’.

Back to kalimat “mungkin sedikit iri” tadi memiliki kaitan dengan quote yang akhir-akhir ini sering dielukan di lingkunganku; rumput tetangga terlihat lebih hijau. Saya baru saja merasakan itu lagi. Sesaat setelah membaca berita saya merasakan diri saya tersentak, panik. Sentakan itu sesaat membuat saya meragukan rencana milik saya lalu juga jadi mempertanyakan kekonsistenan pemikiran saya. Tidak jarang respon ini membuat saya melakukan tindakan tanpa pikir panjang. Hmm, sungguh tidak konsisten dan hanya ‘ikut-ikut’ saja. Harus lebih bisa menanggapi sesuatu dengan lebih bijak. Jadi teringat dengan kalimat seorang teman kemarin:

“knowing ourself is a never ending process, so dont worry if u haven’t known urself” by Himawan Prakoso.

Saya harus lebih mengenal diri saya dengan baik lalu menentukan jalan hidup sendiri. Tiap orang memiliki karakter yang berbeda begitupun jalan yang ditempuh. Semoga jalan yang saya tempuh nanti adalah jalan yang diridoi oleh Allah SWT karena itu pasti adalah jalan yang terbaik menurut-Nya. Amin.

Eniwei. Selamat menempuh hidup baru, Teman! :D

I met two strangers today; the first person  I met occasionally at an appointment of trading while the other I met accidently on my journey to Jakarta. We just met once but we talked to each others. It was a kind of short talk, but they gave the same implied message. 

Never forget your God. Everything means nothing without God. 

Well. These two much-older-strangers I’d never met before and I bet we’ll never meet again next time all of the sudden gave their speech to this much-younger-stranger-of-them. It was surely so kind of you two, grand ma and grand pa. Thank you for telling me so. I will keep remembering it.

This is how God gave me sign to take a good way based on what’s the best according to God. I did a lot mistakes, I didn’t pray that much, I m not sure God would remember me. Tapi ternyata Allah masih ingat Atha…I am sure this must be prayers from my parents to God to always warn me whenever I have mistakes and wherever I live. Mother’s prayer feels like a miracle. Thanks Mom. And for you to, Pap.

Saya ingin memulai lagi jalan yang lurus. I did a lot of sins. a lot..